'Birth of an idiot' or 'A new path'

Until relatively recently, I've lived a very honest and straight forward life: meet a man, exchange feelings and fluids, go from there, etc.

But in January I decided to change everything and invite a bedroom partner with whom to share all my lovers, and it's this single act of generosity and naiveté that has single-handedly destroyed my otherwise stable dating behavior.

I was not prepared for the added layer of complexity that her presence naturally brought; I was no longer acting alone, but was instead being watched, as were all the men we shared; my actions no longer completely my own.

I can't imagine how different the last 7 months would have been had I not been acting out of a place of utter imbalance.

Would I have come to the same conclusions? Had the same thoughts? The same feelings? I feel like I don't even know myself.

What I know is that I did this to myself.  It's no one's fault but mine.

I knew a while ago that I had to untangle the partnership and so I did.  I requested no more sharing of lovers with her.  I couldn't handle it, and I felt righted and safe again. But perhaps that was premature.

I've completely failed at being authentic. -- I'm so goddamned confused. -- I'm operating with half the information I thought I was. Or am I??

And I can trace it all back to that single act.

If only I had kept it to just me and the men, actually shared my feelings and fluids with them, and then gone from there, then I might not be looking at the jumbled, chaotic bullshit that is the last seven months of my life.

I am embarrassed and ashamed. This isn't how I operate and it's done nothing but gut me every day. This just simply isn't me.

I can't undo what's been done, but I can sure as fuck devote myself to a new path; one that in six months won't be strewn with chaos, imbalance and ridiculousness and one in which I'll feel proud.