'Little surprises' or 'Why chillin' really is the way to go'

Over the last few days the strangest things have been happening. 

I just got texts from men like Mensa, Tennis Pro (Never really wrote about him - he was a lustful, uncircumcised bloke who begged me to let him masturbate in front of me on our first date back in April.  I told him no, but fucked him silly on date #2.  A week later he texted to say he'd met someone he wanted to get serious with and then I just heard from him two weeks ago to say it didn't work out.), Do Over, and Slick.  It's just weird to suddenly hear from them out of no where.  I have no idea what they're thinking a text will accomplish, but it's a nice ego boost.  I'm not gonna deny it; I've been feeling pretty fucking shitty lately in the Attractiveness/Desirability  Departments, and I have put almost no effort into meeting anyone knew.  I feel like I need to lick wounds (if only I'll admit they're there).

Also, I'm not at all sure I want to keep going like this.  I'm fucking exhausted.  Drama over the last week, coupled with a looming final divorce date, added to my employment situation, while simultaneously missing my child whenever we are separated... it's just too fucking much.  And I'm vulnerable.  Fucking fragile.  I need to be protected, not bombarded.  Apathy is the antidote to my yearning to not be alone.  It keeps my heart sheltered and my body available, but its power over everything is stretched thin.  I don't know if I can keep my body open with such abandon.  I'm faltering.  I want shelter and peace, not a hammering deluge of the bullshit Game.

I'm trying so hard to bring the pieces of me together: the professional side with the wild side.  My mentor told me that to do what I do means I always Look, not that I am a perfect human.  And this statement brings me relief, because it's true that I'm always looking and definitely not perfect (fuck, am I not perfect).  Realizing I can be a fucking depraved, sex-loving, sex-craving, sex-seeking, passionate woman on the one hand and a healing, kind, loving, stable, respectable and responsible woman on the other is a braid to which I need to start my hand.

With any luck, it will be a life line.