'Epiphanies' or 'Fucking A'

Here's the thing about epiphanies: they're not always pretty.
For example, the little gem I learned tonight solves the riddle as to Why does Rose juggle so many men?

The answer? (Anyone have a guess?? --Shit, you might already know this.)

SO THAT SHE KNOWS SOMEONE IS ALWAYS THINKING OF HER.
 
Yep. It's that simple. And tonight I realized it due to my great discomfort all evening because I had no one to "talk" to. I have my son for an extended period of time and I've been ramping up for this time "off" for days, but now that it's here the silence is deafening.

DEAFENING.

I feel alone, unwanted, undesirable, silly, and like no one cares about me. And that very well may be 100% true. I mean, no one really knows me -- I never let anyone that close -- I just look for cock and a good time and keep moving. No one can pin me down. Why wouldn't this eventually happen to me?  I've been lax in keeping men interested so the second I stop working at it, poof. Nothing, nada, no one.

I could possibly be the next poor woman you hear about who dies in her apartment and her cat licks her face off over the next few days because no one thought of her. 

And yeah, sure, a line or two were dropped here and there tonight, but nothing significant enough to take the edge off. Which only caused to highlight my issue with this in the first place.

*sigh*

After almost a year of separation (and divorce finalization days away) I'm finally admitting that I'm afraid to be alone.

There. I said it.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

... fucking A.